[ i forgot. clarity. or the lack of. well… I’m an adult ]

I’m not sad sad anymore and haven’t cried in a while. I have doubts and questions and feel like I doubt everything. I am lost and yet I feel stronger than ever. 


The images lost the shape I could recognize in a million. I am scared of that. Drifting apart feels more real than ever.

Who are you? Who am I?

is it all just random? Cos I know the secrets and I cherish them.

[some part of me. well… human,]

[ worst mistake I’ve ever made. ]

I make a lot of jokes about being a vampire. It’s just catchy because of where I am from. And my hair. But the joke is vampires don’t change how they feel. And I feel the same 3 years later ( which is crazy )  as I knew I felt 2 weeks in.

Except I fucked up. And I could list reasons like fear and being afraid and lost and a bad past and so much more. But the truth is, I allowed it to happen and to this day I feel it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made.

Regardless of how much I like my life, which I do. Regardless of a future I know I have. Regardless of everything that makes me feel happiness. 

I think, and I could be wrong, been wrong a lot lately, that you feel it. Like when the time doesn’t go by and feels like yesterday. Like when you could feel the other person. Or dream Which makes no sense and sounds crazy. Except when you feel it. And I am lucky enough to share that with my friends. Except this was 10x more.

I don’t know what to do with that. And I also don’t know how I feel about myself except it’s the only thing I got so gotta roll with it.

There are 3 more countries imma visit before we get to call it half a year and I love it and it grows me but it also makes me wanna open the messenger and type. It means very little in my life. Mebbe I will change my mind. I dunno. 

A week away. I dunno. I really don’t. So Ingrid, what’s up?

[ human. fear. deal with it. how. ]

[ not all who wander are lost. infinity. 29. ]

Sometimes I forget. That I am a nice person. Worthy to have around. That I have a voice. That I am a good engineer. That I am human and I can fuck up. That even if I feel like i burned what was most important to me there is a future.

It’s been a while since I felt love and genuinely feeling it around me. And while I feel everything else along with it it reminds me what I believe and fight for - love, humanity, being fair. 

Celebrating people is pure and human. No mater what. No mater what was said or emotions. We all just don’t know. But being fair matters. 

Here I am a year older and a whole lot of love. And I feel humble and small and … thinking.

[human. and human. and all in between. and images. ]

[ 4. green and adulting. ingrid getting philosophical. honey what if we’re running out of time. ]

I had a clearer idea for this somehow, since my mind is getting louder than words. And my heart is louder than my life.

I grew up. There is no doubt in that. And regardless of how intense, crazy and weird I’d get, I care about people. And that is clear.

On average I don’t belong. My opinions are weird, I sound smartass and just out of place. I look weird too. Like talking about a multiverse or consciousness or feelings or goals. Or when I say I want a family. Or that I can speak at conferences.  If you meet me, I look strong and my shit is together and I am ready to conquer the world. No care in the universe. Not the striking image of rainbows and the girl you take home to meet your family for the holidays. In fact I prolly missed the chance. 

Doesn’t make it less true or less me. 

In 4 years I learned about heart ache and diseases and loneliness and strength and having a voice. And loss and sorrow and fighting to stay me. The worst pain of my life and the best moments of it.

And I’m also prolly the most afraid I’ve ever been. The clearer I’ve ever been and the strongerst I’ve ever been.  If this is adulting, I hate it. Sometimes. 

The people I lost understand me and while I have now grown enough to accept that ( or be an adult about it ), it doesn’t blow my mind any less ( in a bad way :) ) and it doesn’t hurt any less either.

Have your soul talk to my soul before time steals it all. Before dust settles. Because it’s a miracle we even know eachother. In a world of millions. In this huge universe we know so little about. That somehow feels complete when it’s shared. Unique. Missing when gone.

Round and round, I feel it and I am not the only one. Reasons,

Words to dust. Images to dust. Feelings to dust. 

And that moment of happiness unlike any other.

What’s in my heart? What’s in my life? What’s in my head?

[ human. emotions.ingrid. ]

[ babe. it goes both ways. ]

I’ve always said I don’t like loosing people. I’ve cried over people. Sometimes I still do. 

I also believe people need to want to be in your life. And that is hard to accept. Don’t quite know what do do about it.

I always wanted to mean something. If we do things with no meaning, what is the point? Or why?

I’ve lost the answer to why. i dunno. I know nothing.

[ words. it means smth. human. ]

[ of love. adulting. and standing up for who you are. ]

The thing is, I come from a lot of bad examples. Examples I wanna break.

I dunno why I feel certain things. I dunno why something makes sense and feels easier. More than anything else. I have no answers. I know nothing. Bar what I feel.

Someone a lot time ago described me as a walking heart. I dunno about that, but I do know I care about people. What I feel is not random. What I do means something and it matters to me.

I wish it was easier. Because I am exhausted. Because I don’t wanna be a just station for anything.

You know the thing when you grow up thinking you mean something, wanting to mean something. And then you don’t?

Behind the wild, the crazy, everything, can it be all? I believe in all.

Fear is powerful. Am I stronger? Me. After all this time. Reality. 

[ human. emotions. am I enough? ]

[ take me to church. ]

It’s amazing how something that meant so much can fade away. It’s amazing how things can just fade away. Can anything stand the test of time without trying? Without fighting for it? Wanting it.

Through the hundreds of photos, through the thousands of lines. Through the notes.

Through what’s real, coming from within. Yoga. Music. Physics. Consciousness. Energy. Awakening.

Will you sing while we drink some sweet cherry wine? 

[ 40 days dream. that’s what’s up. 3 days. and 2 years. ]

[ february. ]

I am scared of this month. Doesn’t matter how strong I am. I can’t erase my brain. 

Can I be human and say I am scared? Can I say I still feel in a dream? Can I say some things feel too crazy or impossible to be real?

I dunno where two years went. And if I look back I guess I did a lot and a lot happened. 

I keep saying it’s ok to be stuck for a while. But I can’t go with the flow anymore. Or test things out. I want to be deliberate. When I know, I know. 

If I can be anything, I guess I want to be a beautiful human. And a fair one. And one that doesn’t take back, changes her mind about or recycle words, songs, places, memories, fantasies.

At the end of the day, when the lights go out, your heart should know. Your brain should know. It always knows. Away from fear, what ifs, shoulds, impossibilities and sad stories. When you’re open. When you’re light as air.

[ being fair. being true. time and adulting. human. ]

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